I recently had a sort of discussion with a guy who was trying to get with me. Afterward I had a few laughs with myself because of something he said. He complained the work was too hard--you know, what I want in a relationship. I only got as far as dates, jokes, personal time and attention (just us two), trips, jewelry, and other gifts when he asked where I would find it. I wasn't even done, but I didn't understand the question, cause that's what I'm accustomed to--for starters. Anyway, he got me to thinking about the rest of the list. I mean, some of what I want is definitely gonna be case-specific because every man has his own style, limitations, strengths, income and interests, but these are basic needs.
So this morning it came to mind again, and I laughed at myself cause I envisioned my promotional ad campaign. Follow me now see. I'm along the lines of a luxury ride. I prefer Jaguar to Cougar, cause there's clearly a difference in class and status. So here I have this plush, sexy, special limited edition ride with all the bells and whistles, easily for dress-up occasions or more casual...
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Went to a baby shower Saturday. It was nice. But something jumped on my youngest boy and won't let go. When I tell you my eyes burn, and my head hurts, and I have no desire to be cute, believe me. Take last night for instance. I thought this thing was turning in the direction of wellness, but I was wrong. It all started with the congestion in his head. It looked like an allergy at first--puffy eyes and runny nose, with a cough. We're accustomed. Could've been the fragrances at the party. Bet. Drugs in the bag at all times.
We got through the first few hours okay, but it turned ugly during that night. Had to pull out the machine and give some breathing treatments. No biggie; we're accustomed. Ari laughed cause he had the shakes. We're accustomed. Sunday was pretty much the same. Hmm, maybe not an allergy with this temp. We can handle it. We got this. Monday went okay. Runny nose and some earls, no problem. Get it all out. Must be a virus instead. Yesterday was pretty much the same. Then last night it came to a head. The stuff in his head relocated...
I keep having these bad dreams. I decided it was because I have some repressed anger that goes back several years. I mostly dream about the same people, different struggles with them though. It occurred to me that all those times I listened to certain people and turned the other cheek, I probably should've been hurling expletives and other stuff, maybe speaking out about my secret desire to burn stuff down and break glass and stuff. I thought about that kind of stuff often but went with the peaceful route. The thing is I wasn't being really true to myself in doing so. See, it gave me heartburn to stay quiet when I was being belittled and yelled at; I felt it all the way down in my soul, and I thought it would give me satisfaction knowing that I had pleased God well and all, but all I was doing was lying. I pretended to be peaceable. And it still makes me feel like an idiot to this day.
Yes, putting on the new personality is the way we wanna aim our behaviors, but the application of that thing is real tough. Which brings me to my point--we are required...
The nerve of some people! After 9 days away, I came back to the workplace and it's still a mess. So it wasn't that I just needed a break. Then too, when I finally stopped spinning, I enjoyed my quiet time. I probably overdid the home improvements this weekend. Found some $5 paint on the return rack at Wallyworld. Hey, I had to make up for the time I just sat around waiting for a chance to go out and play. It was cold and snowing by then, so in the house I was.
Anyway, I realized some things this past week. As if I needed a push, I concluded that some more downsizing has to occur. People's actions puzzle me, but I don't always know it right away. Took me weeks to realize one person wasn't my friend anymore. I have a vague idea why, but I don't even see why I would ask. That friendship was hard for me too. We just aren't the same kind of people. I see that with other folks too. That whole reason/season/lifetime thing is real. No hard feelings; peace be with you. Adults come in all sizes, colors, shapes, and all but...
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Hello my people. After lying around on my cheeks for 3 1/2 days I have some new understanding about some things. I call it peeling away layers of stress. Yeah, Friday afternoon I was hit with a crushing headache and a wave of dizziness I couldn't explain, so after I came home and collapsed with a pillow over my head, I did some light thinking. First layer, sometimes you gotta give up something important to you to get something important right now. After I don't know how long, I gave my kids back their bedroom doors. It hurt me to an extent to do so, but I realized that their filth is a major issue for me, and the more I see it, the angrier I get, and the more I yell and think of ways to hurt them. So putting the doors back keeps me from looking in there all day every day. And if they like the filth so much, they can stay in it. With the main parts of my house cleaned to my specifications, I'll be fine. And who cares if they eat? It'll only make dishes for me to look at. Pass.
Morning! I went to bed on a high last night, but woke up not feeling so hot. Not sick, not even tired, I just feel unlike my normal, dynamic self. Aside from the fact that I sweated my hair out before I left my home today, and aside from the fact that it's kinda blue-gray out, I'm just okay. I'm rockin a red sweater, so that helps a little. But at 10:25 I haven't gotten it together yet.
Anyway, I was excited because I made some decisions. In 2012 I will release four more books, beginning next month, with Timeless Thoughts & Words of Wisdom From the Mind of Tonya D. Floyd. This was to be a 3-volume set, but I condensed it to just two--It's All Relative, and I'm Just Sayin,.... The first focuses on all that is family, and maybe some friend stuff; the second is just me being me. All kinds of ridiculousness I wouldn't or couldn't put on FB or get somebody else to sign off on will be in there. Uncensored, unencumbered, and totally my own, not to be confused with filth though. I just let it all go because I'm the publisher; it's TDF...
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I woke up early this morning to Donnie Simpson's status about his two-year anniversary off the radio. It was a real eye-opener. He talked about the joys of his former position, bringing new music to the airwaves, and exposing his listeners to all types of music because of his love for music. He talked about the freedom to choose and do, and it struck a chord with me because he contrasted his last year on the radio with the rest of his six decades, describing the agony of doing what others tried to direct, control, and suppress. It changed everything, so he left. He went on to say that he probably wouldn't return because it doesn't appear to be fun anymore.
Wow! I can totally relate! I can apply for 17 jobs a week, and may even get an interview or three, but I'm just not interested in just being, or just doing, or being directed to do anything somebody else's way. Their bottom line isn't mine, and their goals don't increase my happiness in life. All I see lately is the powers that be trying to take from me and mine anyway. I see you shaking your head, because...
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Okay, all jokes aside, I'm not into patience. But apparently God has a sense of humor and demands that I learn it despite myself. Yeah, yeah the scriptures are swirling around in my head and stuff but that doesn't change a thing right this minute. I just wanna pay my bills on time, feed my kids, go out and play sometimes, take a trip, and normal grownup stuff like working folks should, by myself. I'm about $5000 from all the above. I have a plan, but how it works is I've done all I can do today--and that burns my ass. Cause now it's on somebody else--somebody at the mortgage company who doesn't care about me or my kids and won't rush to adjust my numbers a little bit, somebody at the tax office who has to crunch my numbers and get back with me, some hiring official, and some customer who hasn't placed an order yet.
Y'all know I hate every piece of that, right? See, if I had patience, I would take the scriptures and let them marinate while I listen to the guy across from me scrape that BOWL WITH HIS FORK and it wouldn't bother me...
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I've been up since before 5am when somebody peed on me. He's resting comfortably of course. But it's fine; I usually don't get much alone time these days, so I steal what I can in patches. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future, and I'm keeping track of the ridiculousness in my dreams because it makes for good fiction reading. Yes, I get book content while I sleep. Is that brilliance, or a sign of a disturbed individual? Whatever.
So anyway, I've been thinking about my future, and trying my best to formulate a good plan for it. Ever since my cousins died, I've had this overwhelming need to add quality to my life. A lifetime these days only goes for 24-41 years if recent history tells the story. So I'm determined not to waste time on frivolous things like a dead-end job that irritates me daily. No, really, it just got dumber. I'm so sick of being regarded as some clerical. I've heard about the dumb stuff that just comes with the job, and I know about the folks in power who look at my black face and think all I can do is get training...
So I had the day off yesterday, but not really since Kyle was with me. I don't know how Sylvia does it; that dude does way too much for me. Yeah, I know; he's mine and stuff, but I'd never volunteer to be a stay-home and watch kids mom. Negative on that. Anyway, I was struggling with some goals, debts, a dream and tight deadlines recently, and I almost got ahead of the curve--almost. I just need this one thing to happen, and I'm home free. I'm so close, I can almost touch it. But there are people in the way of my achievement. I keep saying what we always say: "what's for me is for me, and no one can take it away." I keep praying on it, and waiting for it, and trying not to get in the way. But then I got to thinking--you know how I do.
I firmly believe that when you're reaching for something tangible, like things you can see and touch and have, you must do what you know how to help the process along. Okay, if I've been training my whole life to be this woman, and I've seen and done the things...
